96% of America’s Fireworks Are Made in China

By Tom Z

This Fourth of July, Americans lit more than 200 million pounds of fireworks to celebrate our country’s excellence.  One area where America does not excel, however, is producing fireworks.  From Quartz:

US Census Bureau trade statistics show the US imported 201 million pounds of fireworks last year, and 96% of those came from China.

This says all you need to know about America.  We celebrate the greatness of our country by buying inferior products from China, blowing them up, and then getting drunk and complaining about how the government can’t fix our economy.  America is like a spider firework, dazzling everyone with its brilliance as we slowly turn into dust over our neighbor’s lawn.  Meanwhile China is like those snake fireworks.  They’re cheap and lame and no one’s impressed, but they’re slowly growing in size and soon they’ll cover the entire street.  European countries are like party poppers.  Individually they aren’t much, but put a bunch of them together and they can take an eye out.  And of course Canada is a sparkler.  They’re good to have around, but let’s be honest, only little kids think they’re cool.