Being a Bridesmaid is the Worst

By Tom Z

I just got engaged, and as we’re planning the wedding, I realized I only care about two things.  1) Not allowing any choreographed dances, and 2) making sure it’s affordable for our guests.  I don’t want my friends despising me for the next 20 years because I made them buy their own gold-plated elephant to ride down the aisle.  That’s why I enjoyed this article titled “I Now Pronounce Me… Broke,” which basically reiterates what I’ve been hearing from every girl I know for years: that being a bridesmaid is an expensive hassle.

Total amount spent: I’m scared to find out, but according to American Express Spending Tracker, the average amount spent attending a wedding is $539, so you do the math.

Let’s just say my credit card company loves me.

A lot of girls are really selfish when planning their wedding.  I understand it’s the biggest day of their lives, but to their bridesmaids, it’s one of 9 identical weddings they’ll be attending this summer.  Oh, you had Beyonce and pink roses?  That’s totally different than the last wedding I went to, which had Beyonce and white tulips.  To top it off, nowadays every girl wants a bachelorette, a Jack & Jill and 5 different bridal showers.  You’re a bridesmaid, you spend $1,200, you get zero fun and a chartreuse dress you can never wear again.  Meanwhile, for guys, the biggest cost of being in a wedding is buying the groom lap dances during the bachelor party.  And let’s be honest, that’s an investment.

People Who Drink Coffee Have Lower Suicide Rates

By Tom Z

There are many advantages to being a coffee drinker.  For example, the walk from your office to Dunkin Donuts is 10 minutes a day where you don’t have to work.  Oh, and also, you probably won’t kill yourself.  From

Drinking several cups of coffee daily appears to reduce the risk of suicide in men and women by about 50%, according to a new study by Harvard School of Public Health (HSPH) researchers.

If you ask me, they have it backwards.  Coffee doesn’t make you less depressed… people who are depressed simply don’t drink coffee.  Coffee is for people who have things to do.  It wakes us up so we can get shit done.  If you’re going to be depressed all day, what’s the point in being alert?  It’s like putting on pants when you live alone.  Might as well just freeball it, nobody cares anyway.

Carlos Danger Was Sexting Sydney Leathers

By Tom Z

Word to the wise, if you’re a famous politician, and a 23-year old girl wants you to send naked pictures, there’s a pretty good chance she’s a golddigging whore looking to extort you.  I’m not saying that’s always the case.  I mean, after all, my grandparents got together after Snapchatting dong pics, and that was purely out of love.  But it’s probably extortion.  That’s why I require a credit check from all girls before I send them my dong pics, to make sure they’re independently wealthy and less of a legal risk.  If only Anthony Weiner had listened to my advice, he wouldn’t be in such trouble with 23-year old Indiana resident Sydney Leathers, who by the way, has a much faker name than Carlos Danger.  From CNN:

“Sydney loved him but then she fell out of love with him because the idealized vision in which she had of him was not true, was not the case”… “She became disgusted with him after finding out that the person who she thought she was in love with was not indeed that person.”

“I hope we make some $ out of it,” she wrote. “There is not a doubt in my mind that we won’t makes (sic) thousands and thousands of dollars”

I don’t know a lot about Anthony Weiner’s policies, but even if he’s a good leader, can’t we find a guy who’s a good leader AND doesn’t send dong pics to 23-year olds?  You would think in a city of 8 million people there would be at least two choices who are competent leaders and don’t have horrible personal scandals.  But nope, that’s too much to ask apparently.  Instead you have to choose between a guy with a clean background and the personality of a sweat sock, or a charismatic leader who’s trying to fuck interns on Bang With Friends.  Since we can’t find competent people, can we just elect that “the rent is too damn high” guy?  At least when that guy has a scandal, it will be something fun, like finding out he’s actually from Neptune.

Looking at Instagram Makes You Sad

By Tom Z

Well, it’s official.  A number of studies have confirmed that viewing pictures of your friends on social media sites like Facebook or Instagram makes you sad, depressed and envious.  Especially if the photos are of something cool, like a vacation.  From Slate:

If the hours you log on Facebook are largely about creeping through other people’s posts – especially their photos, and especially – especially their vacation snaps – with an occasional pause to update your own status and slap on a grudging “like” here or there, then science confirms that you have entered into a semi-consensual sadomasochistic relationship with Facebook and need to break the cycle.

People have it all wrong.  When judging someone else, you shouldn’t look at what they post on Facebook or Instagram.  Instead you should at how often they post.  If they’re posting a lot during the day, it means they have a job where they get paid to dick around on the Internet, and you should be insanely jealous, because you’re sitting there actually doing your job like a sucker.  If they post a lot at night, it means they have nothing going on outside of work, and you should send them a game request or something, cause that’s just sad.  If they never use social media, it probably means they’re an extremely successful person who doesn’t have time for such nonsense, and you should hitch your wagon to their star immediately.  I hope that helps!

The Latest Trend in Islamist Jihad: Auto-Tuned Music Videos!

By Tom Z

If there’s one thing that Islamists terrorists are lacking, it’s hot beats.  True, they also lack common sense, a 5th grade education and basic awareness of the world around them, but mostly it’s the beats they’ve been missing.   But now, using auto-tune technology and ‘90s rap attitude, terrorists are creating music videos that encourage fans to commit jihad.  That’s probably why you see so many L.A. Raiders suicide vests these days.  You can watch one of these videos over at the Washington Post’s website.  More:

Muhammed Abu ‘Azrael al-Karbalai seems boyish and accessible — the singer even lists his mobile number on his Facebook page. But the 23 year-old Iraqi’s latest track… praising a Shiite Islamist militia group fighting alongside Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s army, is among the more polished militant music videos that Phillip Smyth has ever encountered.

This music is loud, repetitive, unintelligible, grating and makes you want to kill someone.  In other words, this guy is the next Rihanna!

Finland is Better Than the U.S. at Everything

By Tom Z

Growing up in America, I learned that being socialist means you’re a lazy, entitled, thieving, gay Nazi witch.  Or something like that.  But as it turns out, many socialist countries are doing pretty well for themselves.  Including Finland, which according to The Atlantic, is better than us in every possible way.

Inarguably one of the world’s most generous — and successful — welfare states, the country has a lower infant mortality rate, better school scores, and a far lower poverty rate than the United States, and it’s the second-happiest country on earth (the U.S. doesn’t break the top 10).

The reason this works in Finland is because the entire population is made up of 6’1″ blond guys named Lukas who look like the backup singers for Ace of Base.  Everyone’s on the same page in Finland.  Meanwhile, America is a melting pot where people from all different cultures come here with a thousand different agendas.  In Finland, everyone has agreed to sacrifice savings in return for far-reaching social programs.  In America we can’t even agree on which “Twilight” character was the good guy.

Dave Matthews Fan Picks Up Stranded Dave Matthews

By Tom Z

After scouring today’s news for anything that didn’t involve George Zimmerman, I came across this nice story of a Dave Matthews fan who met her idol on a highway in Pennsylvania.  Apparently “Dave” was out riding his bike before a show when he popped a tire and was stranded on the side of the road.  Luckily a fan named Emily Kraus and her boyfriend were on the way to the DMB concert, saw “Dave” in trouble, and gave him a ride.  From CNN:

Matthews, grateful for the gesture, invited the couple for dinner. Then, backstage. And then, to front row seats to the show.

Oh, and during the concert, Matthews recounted the incident, referring to Emily by name.

What a great experience for this young lady.  Unfortunately she picked up a hitchhiker the next day and was murdered.  But the murderer was one of the guys from Rusted Root.  What are the odds?!?!

We Finally Know Who the Boston Strangler Was

By Tom Z

After 50 years, Boston Police have finally figured out the identity of the Boston Strangler.  This is great news!  I had no idea there was a Boston Strangler, but still, awesome!  From The Atlantic Wire:

[Alber] DeSlavo was murdered in prison in 1973, but that did not end the fascination with the case or the determination to solve it. Now police say they have the physical proof they’ve been looking for all along —  thanks, of course, to modern DNA technology.

“The Boston Strangler” seems so quaint.  I know he’s a horrible human being, but in this day and age of AR-15 assault rifles and bulletproof armor, strangling seems a lot more personable and interactive.  If you’re going to murder me, at least look me in the eyes while you do it.  Today’s killers, they can barely even look up from their iPhones while they’re murdering you.  I would even go as far as to call strangling nostalgic.  It’s like if you killed someone with a snap bracelet.  You’re still an awful person, but hey, I totally forgot about snap bracelets!

9/11 Mastermind Working on a New Vacuum

By Tom Z

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, now has new passion: terrorizing dust.  That’s right, while in lockup, the Al Qaeda leader has attempting to build a superior vacuum.  From the Miami Herald:

Using schematics from the Internet as his guide, Mohammed began re-engineering one of the most mundane of household appliances.

Mohammed’s military lawyer, Army Capt. Jason Wright, said he was prohibited from discussing his client’s interest in vacuums.

“It sounds ridiculous, but answering this question, or confirming or denying the very existence of a vacuum cleaner design, a Swiffer design, or even a design for a better hand towel would apparently expose the U.S. government and its citizens to exceptionally grave danger,” Wright said.

I’m not surprised this guy has a passion for vacuuming.  He’s the hairiest person ever.  If he didn’t have a top-notch vacuum his home would be covered in hair.  You think waterboarding is bad? Try maneuvering through a cave full of dead hair follicles.  It’s funny, we mock Khalid Sheik Mohammed for being disheveled, but only because he’s evil.  No one can believe he masterminded 9/11 because he looks like something that escaped from the San Diego zoo.  Meanwhile Albert Einstein was equally disheveled, but he’s heralded as the greatest genius of all time because he worked on things we like.  Word to the wise, if you look like the offspring of Ron Jeremy and a Kodiak bear, you better focus your energy on mathematics.

Here’s Why Time Goes By Faster When You’re An Adult

By Tom Z

When I was in middle school, the time between Easter break and the end of the school year felt like 1,000 years.  Now if I want to throw a Christmas party I need to start sending out invitations in April, otherwise it’s not enough notice and no one will show up.  Why does time seem to go by faster when you’re an adult?  Lifehacker has the answer to this age-old mystery.

When our brains receive new information, it doesn’t necessarily come in the proper order. This information needs to be reorganized and presented to us in a form we understand. When familiar information is processed, this doesn’t take much time at all. New information, however, is a bit slower and makes time feel elongated.

You see, the key to slowing down time is constantly putting yourself in new and unfamiliar situations.  That’s why every day I break into a different house in my neighborhood and go through all their stuff.  When the homeowner comes home from work, they always freak out, but when I explain to them that I’m not a criminal, that I’m simply using their hot tub and eating their food in an effort to manipulate my brain’s perception of time and squeeze every drop out of this sponge called life, they say, “Oh.”  Then they slowly back away and call the cops.  That’s usually when I start running.  Oh, by the way, running from the police, also a great way to slow down time.